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Find words for a good connection
Separate what happened from what you inferred, name what helped, and prepare a specific appreciation or request.
How to use this worksheet
Choose one conversation you want to understand, rather than trying to summarize a person or relationship. Record what was said or done in words another observer could recognize. Keep your interpretation separate: a follow-up question is observable, while assuming someone knew exactly how you felt is a guess.
Name what the moment made possible for you. Then draft an appreciation or a request in your own voice. Either is optional; noticing something does not oblige you to send a message. If you want to offer the same kind of attention, leave room for the other person to want a different response. This worksheet does not rate people or test their intentions.
Read the full guide: Understand the connections you already haveYour worksheet
Your writing is not sent to Aloud or saved by this worksheet. Download a copy to keep it, and clear it when you are finished.
Describe the setting briefly. You can leave out names or details you do not want in a downloaded note.
Write an observable behavior or a short remembered phrase, separate from what you think it meant.
Optional. Mark the meaning you are guessing, rather than treating it as a fact about someone’s intentions.
Describe your own experience. Another person might appreciate a different response.
Optional. Draft a specific sentence you could say, without asking for a guaranteed reaction.
Choose one small behavior, and ask what is useful rather than assuming your preference is shared.
A worked example
Illustrative example · Your own answer can look different
- The conversation or moment
- Over coffee, I told a friend about an awkward first day in a new group.
- What was said or done
- They asked, ‘Do you want ideas, or would you rather tell me what happened first?’
- What I am interpreting
- I understood the question as an offer to listen. I do not know everything they were thinking.
- What that made possible for me
- I had room to finish the story before trying to find a solution.
- An appreciation or request
- It helped that you asked what I needed before offering ideas. In another conversation I could ask, ‘Could I tell the whole story before we look for solutions?’
- Attention I could offer next time
- Ask my friend what kind of response would be useful when they bring me a problem, and follow their answer.
When you return to your notes
When you return, keep the observable detail and revise an interpretation if you learn something different. One interaction does not describe a whole relationship. You can appreciate it, make a request, or keep the note for yourself without needing to score the conversation.
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